oh black out, :3

i have missed alot of things. i have missed the people that i used to be with. the people that has touched my heart. i have missed the places that ive been to. places that memories are only the remains of it. i have missed the laughter and stomach aches and jaw pain that i get from giggling for far too long. i have missed the days i feel i had no worries at all. i have missed them memories i had not very long ago. i missed it alot. i missed it. i missed the feeling i felt when i looked into your eyes and it didnt fall in between the words we speak. i missed the presence i felt when i was happier that it didnt slipped by us. i missed the love i felt, that eventually went away. i missed the feeling of a good nights sleep, it isnt there anymore. for love, i left your side.

its not easy. not easy to realize the fact that my hand has changed color since. it is not easy to wake up from a black out when all the pain rushes to your head. its crazy how your blood circulates really quick that you havent got the time to figure out whats happened. and then it comes. it comes just as fast as the black out goes. the migraine and headache hits every nerve in my head i cant handle the pain i hold my head as tight and grip my hair with my fingers and the pain lingers around the edges of my almost gone mind fuck this motherfucking pain pain pain now watch me die. you dont understand.

i dream of myself gotten murdered but i didnt die. a few seconds ago, i wish i was dead.

oh rooftop,

6.03pm. there are times where i feel that the world is just right for me. and there are times where i feel that everything is against me. that is the time that i feel much of right now. right now, i sit and i write this because so much has been mistreated. lately. and if there was a place in the world where i can go to just of right now, it would be on a rooftop. a rooftop where i can go and climb up to, that is the place i would go right now. id lie on my back on the roof and face the sky as the clouds move along together with its wind. i let the breeze cover my figure and ease my hot tempered mind. i want to be on that cloud and raise my fingers up high till i can touch the sky above me. i want to be able to feel what its like to rise from a lower ground. it is just a dream.

6.22pm. my back is aching. it aches every time i sit to face my monitor, i am unhealthy. i want to fucking break my backbone. fuck. today, i submit my first assignment. i hate it. i dont get good comments. he gives an arrogant comment. i walk away from it. and my badass lady teacher hates us. another lady decides to be selfish and ignores us in every way. i hate this. i could give all the wrong reasons in the world to blame for what has become what it is now. but i dont do that. i can blame the environment, the people, the college but i know what a waste it would be for me to do that. so i deal with it.

7.26pm. i want a place where i can sit still and have my worries fly away. i want peace, where i could stay quiet and just stare out of my worries. i want people, who speak the language that i do and not judge with a blunt stare. i want teachers, who dont boss us around and treat us like we're fucking maggots like we havent got any feelings. i dont have any of that right now. i lose. i want to be at the astaka of acs and sit there. i like it there. i missed the feeling of sitting there looking and wonder, after a long day of school. it is, very typical of me. but brings joy to me in a lot of ways and the people i am with breathe the air that i breathe. i have not forgotten that feeling. and i strongly miss it in mi corazon.

"hear your voice, knew right away, if you were here, your eyes would say,"-rachael yamagata,sunday afternoon.

oh colors,

12.16am. this feels weird. i dont know. alot of what i am feeling right now feels weird. i feel its me. it is just me. i am lying if i say i dont feel anything. i feel it. i feel it strong inside. i cant live like this forever. nothing now feels right. i see my friend and i hear her talk and shes not happy. i feel it. i talk to another friend and he tells me hes happy, hes lying. i can feel it. we are all broken.

12.29am. i chat and i listen to songs that fits my purpose of hearing it now. i wear a colorful shirt of pink and white and gray and i take a picture. i dont always own colors like this. i put it up on my display so everyone sees it. my friend tells me it looks nice, and be colourful. i tell him, im not particularly a "colorful" person. he tells me he knows and that its a good change. i tell him i dont like changes and i like everything in my life to stay the same, thats a lie, life is lying. i missed him.

12.55am. i look at the date today, the clock is ticking, and i will be leaving in five days. i feel annoyed, i feel sad, i feel worthless, i feel depressed. i feel alot has happened and we never thought it would and we dont like it. i listen to my friend. she tells me stories and how it tears her up inside to know the truth, she feels hollow, she feels like dying. as she talks, i stare blindly off the screen and my mind wonders off else where.

1.43am. i dont know this. i dont know that. i dont know anything. i have so much to say and yet i dont know how to. this sucks. i hate the holidays. it sucks so much. i want to be out, be happy but im not. i have too much shit going on in my head that i dont say a word anymore. i am silent. i dont speak. i worry. there are so many things going wrong, getting wrong, at the wrong places, the wrong time. this is weird, i feel weird D:

"but i will remember you, will you remember me?"-sarah mclachlan.
"it only hurts when im breathing,"-shania twain.

oh no,

12.44am. i feel bored. everyone is sleeping. this sucks. this semester break sucks like a piece of crap. i hate that the connection has been a dick eversince i got back to seremban. it is equal to the quality of your shit i am not lying. i cannot stand this. everyone is asleep and i am awake and still here, still writing. i am imagining how great it would be to go on a holiday with the right people instead of being this boring person in front of the pc everyday. but i dont have that. fuck.

1.13am. i cannot believe this. i have just witnessed one of the lame-est movies made in history, The Rocker. it is stupid, theyre jokes are lame and their faces are too and it pisses me off when they try so hard to make things funny when its not. and what worsens things is that Teddy Geiger is acting and he stinks at it. it depresses me to see his face there emotionless and gay; i am depressed.

1.35am. oh lord, i feel the bored-est i can be. i tried playing games but that didnt work since all i ever get is lagging and i keep dying and its like shit. and then i tried watching a movie, which turns out to be a huge ass mistake. and i tried chatting, but HOLY(*@^#!(*&@#*(&!@(#&! the only person im chatting with right now, has a trouble communicating because the god damn messages arent getting through. the connection sucks like a cave. and it makes me want to shit in my pants. fuck. i am getting out of this misery and i am going to cook myself some hotdogs and eat them and be useful.

"youll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you,"-simple plan,saveyou.

oh green,

12.15am. i sit and i get bored of what i am doing. i am finally home. finally back to the place where i long to be. back to the place where i belong. i miss this place. everything feels the same here. it is the same. college feels different. different in a lot of ways. and i have officially left that place. for now that is. i sit and i stare at one corner of the room and i get up and i leave.

2.01am. i get back and i see messages from people. they are asleep. i watch Greys Anatomy with my sister. it is beautiful. it is sad. it is powerful. that episode captures my heart. i like it. i watch a movie called The Brave One the night before. it moves me. it captures me in. it touches me in everyway. it is sad in alot of ways and i like it. it makes you wonder how true these things are. these things that happen to people. at the end of the day, we are never the same person anymore. we are different, we are no longer the person who we thought we are. we are just like strangers all over again.

2.30am. i am glad that this semester ended fast. at least, for me. i walk out early after my final paper which was on thursday. it starts at 9am and i leave at 10am. i walk out with my head held high, this is finally over. i leave and i go around putrajaya with my friends. it is fun, has always been for me. i like how the world used to be green, and in some parts of cyberjaya, it is still green. it is beautiful. i like how peaceful it gets living there. it is brilliant. i want to lie down on its grass and look up to the sky on a cloudy windy evening and say i am grateful for this moment. i am grateful, my eyes they start to wonder around this beautiful green place with lakes that have lilies and more water plants, they are beautiful. i want to capture a picture of this moment and show this to you but i dont have it. it only stays in my head and i smile at the serenity of it. and i tell myself that i like it. i like it alot. thank you to my mates back in mmu, i finally breathe together with you. although we are all different in alot of ways. my love to all of you mainly qistina, fatin, ina, daniel, ziana, zared, yana, fatin, david, yy. <3

putrajaya.

david.

ziana, yana, myself.

4.06pm. i am finally posting up pictures during christmas. i love how we spend the whole day together. i love all the singing and carolling and laughing and eating games. personally, the amount of time spent together and the people who were there, are just perfect. acs lot : anna, xinyi, mandy, mei chern, ah fu, yee han, amelia, yi ru, charmaine, mui kim, vincent, tuckie, michael, avindran, sanjiven, jim, vewan, suren. <3

me, vincent, mandy, xinyi, meichern.

myself and anna.

us.

anna and myself.

xinyi, myself, anna, sanjiven.

myself and tuckie<3

myself and tuckie<3

5.31pm. im off to play dofus. oh yes, i have started all over again for a month. toodles.

FOR THE LOVE OF NATUREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

oh 2009,

2.11am. i figured i should write something. its new year. i dont know. it still feels the same. its just another year. nothings new. so why is it a new one. everything stays the same. emotions, actions, our prayers. they are the same. we all hope for the better. still hoping. i dont know where that leads to now that new year has come. and it goes just as quick as it comes.

2.31am. i sit and i breathe this weird smell of whats left in my brothers room. i dont like it. but its there. i turn on the air conditioner and the smell goes away and i get cold. i off it and it comes back. all over again. i sit here and i watch him move about in circles and he moves around and falls back on his chair through his webcam. i see him talk and laugh and he tells me his drunk so i ignore him. but i sit and i watch. he gets up and he moves again and i lose him.

2.46am. i get more wishes. i read them and i wish them the same and i ignore it. its the same thing you say every frigging year. i think it should stop. it sounds stupid, those hopes and i dont really give a ducks ass. i go on about how idiotic it is in my head and i stop for a second. and i think. i chat with my friend and she tells me things i dont want to hear. she tells me about this person who likes slitting her hands and she is still there breathing as we talk. still doing the same thing she does. still breathing. i frown and i look at the screen and i feel that she doesnt deserve to live. i ignore it. i feel the need to say what needs to be appreciated.

3.12am. i am grateful for the people that i get to be with today and i am grateful that we have been given a chance to live and get to know each other eventhough its hard to understand why we are here today but everything we go through now and forever just makes us better and stronger people than what we are yesterday.

3.26am. i taste blood in my mouth. it dissolves with my saliva. i dont taste it anymore. i bite my lip too hard it severed. i drink water and i feel it flowing through my body. i feel like eating it drives me crazy i want to eat i should stop writing. i should stop. i stop now and i go to eat because my mind tells me to so i leave now. i leave. leave.

i miss so many people and i want them to be here with me i want to laugh with them but they are not here. have i found you, flightless bird?

oh bo,

11.53pm. i sit quietly in my brothers room as i write this. i dont feel like writing but i guess i should. i guess. i dont know. i chat with zared, farah, david and lern sing. we have empty chats. i still dont know what to write about. dot. dot. dot.

12.10pm. i figured i should write something i like. so i like bo amir iqram. he sings like a sleepy man but the fact that he sounds good at doing that, i respect him. i like the way he sings.

www.myspace.com/boamiriqram

12.19pm. my head is blank. i cant find anything good to write. shits.

12.30pm. i look forward to annas christmas gathering. that should be exciting. mmu upsets me at times. especially the people there. i should sleep.

the people, they upset me. they upset me. upset me so much.