oh fear,

6.02pm. i worry. i look out the window and i see its still clear. i see people moving about. cars engines running. guards sitting still. and i want to stay still. just like her. i remove the cap of the aquarius bottle in front of me and i take a long gulp. im thirsty. im hungry. i place it back on the table. i chat with qistina. i tell her we are having dinner at 6.45pm. so we leave.

7.55pm. i go back to my room. its empty. im alone again. i go online. i chat with people. but it makes me sad. i ignore that feeling. i surf for things on google. nothing fancies me. im worried. i cant stop pacing. i cant stop moving. i am almost shaking. i freak out. my assignment is that bad. it is that bad. i am afraid. afraid of my assignment. you say shit about my feelings and i dont care. its mine and for me to feel and know. and i feel like shit. this feeling makes me feel at stake and i feel terrified. for my life and my future. my assignment, is that bad. i worry.

8.31pm. i am still here. still trying to stay still. still finding. still searching. i cant find it. i lose it. i dont know where it is. i worry. worry all over again. it never stops. i chat more. i talk more. but it slows down. i chat with sum. and he tells me things. and i tell him my things. and we both feel like shit. we are both exactly alike. exactly what we are. exactly who we are. exactly how it is. in the mean while, i ran through blogs. i see his blog. i see my face with his. i see the way he writes. i see he did just exactly of what i did. i highlight it. and i see it. and i smile to it.

10.08pm. here is where i am still. trying to stay still. trying to do just that. but my head doesnt do that. it does not register. my body neglects what i say. i get up and move around the room. i pace. over and over again i am pacing. i listen to songs. i dont sing a word. i just listen. and i still worry. i wipe my soar eyes. it tears when i do that but it does anyway. i wipe it away. i ignore it.

10.30pm. i look at the time. i realize i am still afraid. still scared of whats to come. still in fear.

10.59pm. im scared as hell. i cant figure myself out. i cant figure whats going on. i feel like dying.

i feel so dead inside. i feel the saddest i can ever be. its my future. i dont think you understand that. now get the hell away from me.