oh presentation,

12.22pm. yesterday i was worried. the days before i was worried. this morning i was worried. that moment i was terrified. this instance i am calm. i feel myself leaving my worries. i am alright.

hours ago..

9.10am. we feel like dying. we all feel that way. i see my lecturers coming into the class. they sit still. we move around and looking and feel horrible about things. we look at each others work and we feel like dying, it is that bad. i write my name on the paper that was up on the door. i write my friends names up on the door. we take our bags and leave. i see Che Mat enter the class with a straight face, we panick. i sit on the floor outside the class. we wait.

moments later...

9.45am. i go in to present my work. Che Mat tells the student before me to quickly leave because he was disturbing my presentation. i look down with fear and place my papers. he looks and he offers me a help with the rest. i smile and look down. i am in fear. lecturers all around, staring down at my work and looking at me and looking down at the work and looking up again and stare. Che Mat says, "rajin dia ni, ni budak rajin buat keje ni,". i gasped. i smile, i look down. he says, "tapi analytical studies for shading ni tak berapa sgt, kena betul3 consentrate baru nampak lawa," i nod. he tells me i did alright for the rest except this one. i will do better. i promise you. i listen to him preach as he sits on the table. he tells me. tells me more. tells me again and again. i nod and i look down. im afraid. i try to look at his eyes as he speaks but i cant. i touch my papers and feeling unsettled. i nod again and again. i slowly raise my eyes and i see his eyes. he is honest when he talks. i appreciate that. i dont have the guts i fear you. but i like your honesty so i smile and gather my papers and i hear him say, "dia ni rajin tp drawings je tak brapa, colouring sume dah cantik," and i smille and tell them thank you and i leave the room with a huge smile in my heart.

and now..

12.44pm. i smile. as much as i feel disappointed that my analytical was not that good, i am happy. happy that he was not rude to me. happy that he was honest. happy that he would not mind to take the time to explain. happy that he preaches the way he always does. happy that i feel a little more appreciated than i always have. just a little happier than what i feel before. and someway somehow i know i deserve being appreciated at least a little for the worries and hardship and stress i feel doing it. i constantly put myself down and say theyre ugly because i know they could be better. i put myself down because i dont feel its pretty when people say they are. i dont feel it, i know. but i am appreciated for having the courage to spend almost everyday doing it. i like that, i smile at that thought though it worries me. i want to be more now.

i want to be that person that he expects all of us to be.