oh, doll :/

oh no, :3

2011-03-04T22:40:00.000+08:00

shifting through in the frame by frame;

click the fotos below to see our motion.

setians on raya, <3

setians with miss lan, <3

setians with pn.fong, <3

setians with pn.ooi, <3

oh 2011,

2011-03-02T00:51:00.000+08:00

hello mellow.

2.44pm. i realize its been more than a year since my last post. this actually feels strange. i dont know why. i find it funny how i have been writing posts, but never quite have the time to publish them. it is ridiculous. so many things have changed in a year. people, school, habit, life, more people. i was held back by episodes of my life that i am finally done with. i was told if i didnt write something they would bitch slap me. i should get an award for that. a year ago i was a different person. a year ago my ground was so solid that i did not see it coming. i couldve sworn my life was at the top. and it wasnt a game i played. and i was so certain that, i fell off my feet. i was blinded by the light that came out of its eyes. and so i fall. fall into the unknown. my head fell, my feet was off the ground. for a long time i was broken. the closest thing i had to me was my feet. for the longest time, i was that person. he said dont ever lose yourself, be who you are. so i left. i got tired of the sight. sight that i was getting from where i was. that now i am bound. my head is finally off the ground. i was fed with laughter and smile and comfort that i lost the reason why i ever thought id lose myself. i didnt. today, im this person.

3.20pm. i have learnt. that humans make choices. make mistakes. make desicions. they are made of that and what lies beneath it is an understanding. they can never run from it. he told me whatever makes you blind must make you strong. and with choices, i am only human. i have made mine. today, is a better day.

5.54pm. oh gamma, i am half way through the program. i was greeted with bienvenidos al infierno on my first day. and school has been really intense for me. but in a way i am glad. i have known new faces and i am grateful for that. but for all the loss along the way, friendship and people and memories. i must have jumped a track. because i wake up everyday knowing i have made my choice. some that i was not too proud of. but some were, worth it. i get to go out and smile at the skies above my head, and feel grateful for what i have. also, i took national dance last semester, which i keep telling everyone that they can stop screaming about it. which i also hated in the beginning, but loved it somehow. i had groupmates who made me die laughing and singing merdeka songs while practicing our dance routines in campus. funny how we never got to know each other since foundation. we went out after our final submission when everyone looked like they were high on crack. maybe it is just adrenaline. but i laughed hard enough it reminded me of the friends i had in seremban. i havent had so much joy in awhile. so today, i am grateful.

classmate and myself.

national dance group.

me and siew yun.

6.12pm. this semester has been by far the worst of all, in terms of stress. pressure and anxiety would all sum up into being insomniac. but in a way, i am glad. i got through that. it seems like i was sucked into a black hole for as long as i can even remember. from all the people that i know i should have met. but i have not for awhile now. its strange how i go to class everyday and i never see them anywhere. i made a choice before the semester ended, to take the time to meet those whom i have not. and so i went out for dinner with some classmates. met a new friend. and met my orientation sweethearts a couple of times before the break. it was really nice to see them again, i was beyond happy. it felt like we havent changed a bit. but we have in little ways we dont notice. and for that, i am really grateful.

ina and qistina.

me, yana, ziana.

me and ziana.

my cyberpreneurship group.

7.34pm. cyberjaya, i was never really fond of you. you were just a routine that i had to go to and run away from. but lately, it has gotten better. i like how in the evenings, the neighbour behind my balcony starts playing piano. and sometimes, the saxophone. its breath taking really, how that constantly sweeps me off my feet. but maybe i am the only one. everyday i stand by my balcony and i look through those windows thinking id find out who was actually playing it. and i keep wondering. i had a friend who figured out who that person was later, so i wrote him a letter and left it in front of his door. it was a way for me to say how grateful i was, to have to hear him play everyday after i come back from school. he said its funny, that im fond of things like this. but i smile everyday when the music plays.

9.02pm. its funny how when i was 13, i only had one friend in school. but she left when i was 15. i went on MIRC later to chat with random people. that was the first time i knew a girl, from my own class who did not know i existed. who soon became my really close friend until today. we could talk hours about the world. but we still laugh at the thought of how we met whenever we think of it. i wouldnt even beg for things to have been different. and now, i have all these pictures taken of my friends but never quite have the time to post it up. i get nagged at over and over again and i keep apologizing for that. not too long ago, i have met my high school and primary school friends and teachers sometime ago and it was amazing. they have never made me feel less than a person. they are so full of love. i havent smiled so much, they almost never fail to do that. to put that smile on my face. regardless of the things they say. a day before my finals, i get to visit my teachers along the way. and they were still as lovable as ever. its amazing how they havent changed at all. the way they talk. the way they welcome us, i would fall in love with ACS all over again. my heart breaks everytime they reminisce moments in class. because my teachers, they remember it so well. and i remember it too, so clearly. those were the times i cried of laughter, of stomach pains, of foolishness and jubilance. and i still have that even today. somehow it seems like only yesterday i left school. somehow, id like to think of it that way. but it has been awhile. and my heart goes to you ACS, i have loved you from the start. and so today, i am grateful for that.

setians and pn.fong<3

setians and miss lan<3

setians and pn.ooi<3

anna and myself. me and xinyi.

10.44pm. i like going to places and order the same drinks and eat the same food every time. people find it absurd that i do that. like there isnt any other choice, but that was the choice i made. and they remember me for it. somehow i figured, everyone just knew what i wanted to eat without having to say anything. they think its rather funny, but i just smile when they do that. i get to go to that particular shop to eat every week with my family and i look at that stranger who works there and i look whenever he doesnt notice and one day he tells me he'd notice. whenever i dont come, he would notice. i smile at the thought of it.

me, shanaz, harith.

brother, myself, mother.

sister, myself, mother.

me and harith.

me y mi madre.

2.13am. sometimes i really dont know what to write about. sometimes, most of the time. for a person, i hardly ever look at peoples faces when i walk. sometimes, even when i talk. i get it, its rude. but i can be unsturdy. my eyes, they wonder around. but im trying. i was told i walked like a painted ghost with no background. that my friends had to scream out to me and i had to turn my head around that i heard a sound. and its a little crazy how a semester ago i just realize this stranger i sometimes bump into in school, looks at me so attentively. and often gives a kind smile to me whenever we cross paths, which i find it unusual. but when i come to think of it, i realize that i have seen this person since foundation. i have seen that same figure before. not too long ago, i thought about acknowledging. but later i realized i never saw that face again. i never quite put my thoughts to it. its silly because i dont know you. but in a way im glad, it was something i looked forward to whenever i walked in school. and somehow now, i missed it. well just maybe, someday.

"im an early morning, you were a goodnight."-jill andrews.

oh beta,

2009-10-12T16:42:00.000+08:00

3.49pm. i have decided to post some fotografs of what appears to be what i have been doing for the past 7 months since my last post. it isnt really all of it, but roughly. i have come to know countless new faces and names and places this semester that brings joy and a very gay smile onto my really depressing face since last semester. it might take forever to list them down, but life has been pretty decent to me, for the first time in many years of my life.

5.51pm. and i am not really a "travels" person, but i have been out to places i have not been to like Sg Gabai, Pangkor, Gentings, and Batu Caves. i know this sounds pathetic, but its an achievement to even step my feet there. i guess it wasnt really the place that mattered to me, it was more of the chances i get to spend with my people. :3

11.04pm. theyd never be as significant as a friendship to me. i still stop and wonder once in awhile about how crazy the thought of getting to know a stranger that you see everyday in school, in a cafe, in a class. it never slipped my mind that i would eventually come to know these people. those nasty juniors that i come across so many times, everywhere, to only be able to walk passed them and not say a thing, because i am just another person, unknown. and now i know them, the happiest people i have met and seen in a year. or those classmates that i see in my class everyday and not be able to talk to because i am shy and scared and fear and now i know them, they are wonderful people. or those lecturers that give a different perception of who they are in my first few classes, they turn out to be the gay-est people, that are now part of my everyday. or those seniors that i come across, loud at the cafe while sipping a glass of ice tea, could only afford to stare at, and walk away. but now, i know them. and even, that one particular person at the other table that i see staring right at me while having lunch at a cafe. he looks and he stares and he smiles and he laughs and then he walks away. never slipped my thoughts, that i already know you by now. but this could all be a dream.

saiko.

cloud nine.

qing, myself, ziana.

ziana, myself, qing, aunty.

myself and farah.

rakesh and myself.

yellow mellow.

audrey, xinyi, myself.

tiger and me.

me and audrey.

us.

mandy, joyce, audrey, anna, myself.

xinyi, joyce, audrey, anna, myself.

anna, audrey, myself.

anna, audrey, myself.

my world.

children.

yong, qissu, myself, rakesh. myself, qissu, yong.

rakesh, myself, qissu, yong, fairuz.

1.19am. and for the many times i feel out of place, now i feel a little belong. but after all of these, i still left my heart back in seremban, that is where i honestly belong. here and now, i feel the need to say thank you and be grateful for the people that has come into my life, or have stayed. you have made a difference. ¡gracias por todo! you couldnt even beg to differ.

"and i hope you always stay the same,"-joey mcintyre.

oh tonight,

2009-09-26T02:02:00.000+08:00

tomorrow is a different day. i dont know what brought me here. but today i feel so out of place. i feel and i fear of these unknowns. i like the things that seperates my mind from what is real in my world right now. but today i lie awake on my bed on this tiled floor. i stare at what is above me and i see traces of what was left behind. i look at the door that is infront of me. i feel it is about to slam right open any second but it doesnt. i write on this paper and i am running out of space. i run out of time. i run out of ink. i run out of feelings. i wake up on my bed and i look at the scars on my legs and i hate it. it is my inability of handling stress and what appears to be heat related. they grow just about everywhere on the surface of my skin. i drop my back against the bed and i shut my eyes for a moment to catch a breath. and i get up again and i realize i have moved on. i laugh and i scream and i smile and i run about and there are no traces of tears. not anymore. i dont hurt anymore. that is the point where i start to lie. i lied. you said it was my fault, of course it was mine.

today, i wake up, i realize nothings quite much the same anymore. i have not been that person i was a semester ago. i realize how fast so many things have changed. i changed, you changed, we all have changed. so much have changed in so little time, i never really have the time to stop and wonder why its all happening too quickly. i think of people who were once apart of what seem to be my world, they have now gone away. i listen to songs, they bring back memories of a time where it felt all too different to feel it today. i look at fotografs of us, i stare and i sit still and i cant believe we have grown too soon. i look in the mirror, i look at the person that is staring back at me, what i have become, i have changed. i look at the date today, i look at those faces, i know we all have changed. time rushes, so i lose track of days. how can i sit here and write these things and ask too much and feel of nothing. i feel too much, i figured that was one reason why this blog hasnt lived since. because i did not want to feel too much. and write things that do not make sense. i lose my senses. and i stop and i blame and i give excuses and i walk away. it is, very typical of me. but never quite like me today. so who am i to say this situation isnt great?

"before your too far gone, before nothing can be done,"-robert pattinson, let me sign.

oh black out, :3

2009-03-16T18:55:00.000+08:00

i have missed alot of things. i have missed the people that i used to be with. the people that has touched my heart. i have missed the places that ive been to. places that memories are only the remains of it. i have missed the laughter and stomach aches and jaw pain that i get from giggling for far too long. i have missed the days i feel i had no worries at all. i have missed them memories i had not very long ago. i missed it alot. i missed it. i missed the feeling i felt when i looked into your eyes and it didnt fall in between the words we speak. i missed the presence i felt when i was happier that it didnt slipped by us. i missed the love i felt, that eventually went away. i missed the feeling of a good nights sleep, it isnt there anymore. for love, i left your side.

its not easy. not easy to realize the fact that my hand has changed color since. it is not easy to wake up from a black out when all the pain rushes to your head. its crazy how your blood circulates really quick that you havent got the time to figure out whats happened. and then it comes. it comes just as fast as the black out goes. the migraine and headache hits every nerve in my head i cant handle the pain i hold my head as tight and grip my hair with my fingers and the pain lingers around the edges of my almost gone mind fuck this motherfucking pain pain pain now watch me die. you dont understand.

i dream of myself gotten murdered but i didnt die. a few seconds ago, i wish i was dead.

oh rooftop,

2009-02-25T17:59:00.000+08:00

6.03pm. there are times where i feel that the world is just right for me. and there are times where i feel that everything is against me. that is the time that i feel much of right now. right now, i sit and i write this because so much has been mistreated. lately. and if there was a place in the world where i can go to just of right now, it would be on a rooftop. a rooftop where i can go and climb up to, that is the place i would go right now. id lie on my back on the roof and face the sky as the clouds move along together with its wind. i let the breeze cover my figure and ease my hot tempered mind. i want to be on that cloud and raise my fingers up high till i can touch the sky above me. i want to be able to feel what its like to rise from a lower ground. it is just a dream.

6.22pm. my back is aching. it aches every time i sit to face my monitor, i am unhealthy. i want to fucking break my backbone. fuck. today, i submit my first assignment. i hate it. i dont get good comments. he gives an arrogant comment. i walk away from it. and my badass lady teacher hates us. another lady decides to be selfish and ignores us in every way. i hate this. i could give all the wrong reasons in the world to blame for what has become what it is now. but i dont do that. i can blame the environment, the people, the college but i know what a waste it would be for me to do that. so i deal with it.

7.26pm. i want a place where i can sit still and have my worries fly away. i want peace, where i could stay quiet and just stare out of my worries. i want people, who speak the language that i do and not judge with a blunt stare. i want teachers, who dont boss us around and treat us like we're fucking maggots like we havent got any feelings. i dont have any of that right now. i lose. i want to be at the astaka of acs and sit there. i like it there. i missed the feeling of sitting there looking and wonder, after a long day of school. it is, very typical of me. but brings joy to me in a lot of ways and the people i am with breathe the air that i breathe. i have not forgotten that feeling. and i strongly miss it in mi corazon.

"hear your voice, knew right away, if you were here, your eyes would say,"-rachael yamagata,sunday afternoon.

oh colors,

2009-01-27T00:13:00.000+08:00

12.16am. this feels weird. i dont know. alot of what i am feeling right now feels weird. i feel its me. it is just me. i am lying if i say i dont feel anything. i feel it. i feel it strong inside. i cant live like this forever. nothing now feels right. i see my friend and i hear her talk and shes not happy. i feel it. i talk to another friend and he tells me hes happy, hes lying. i can feel it. we are all broken.

12.29am. i chat and i listen to songs that fits my purpose of hearing it now. i wear a colorful shirt of pink and white and gray and i take a picture. i dont always own colors like this. i put it up on my display so everyone sees it. my friend tells me it looks nice, and be colourful. i tell him, im not particularly a "colorful" person. he tells me he knows and that its a good change. i tell him i dont like changes and i like everything in my life to stay the same, thats a lie, life is lying. i missed him.

12.55am. i look at the date today, the clock is ticking, and i will be leaving in five days. i feel annoyed, i feel sad, i feel worthless, i feel depressed. i feel alot has happened and we never thought it would and we dont like it. i listen to my friend. she tells me stories and how it tears her up inside to know the truth, she feels hollow, she feels like dying. as she talks, i stare blindly off the screen and my mind wonders off else where.

1.43am. i dont know this. i dont know that. i dont know anything. i have so much to say and yet i dont know how to. this sucks. i hate the holidays. it sucks so much. i want to be out, be happy but im not. i have too much shit going on in my head that i dont say a word anymore. i am silent. i dont speak. i worry. there are so many things going wrong, getting wrong, at the wrong places, the wrong time. this is weird, i feel weird D:

"but i will remember you, will you remember me?"-sarah mclachlan.
"it only hurts when im breathing,"-shania twain.

oh no,

2009-01-18T01:06:00.000+08:00

12.44am. i feel bored. everyone is sleeping. this sucks. this semester break sucks like a piece of crap. i hate that the connection has been a dick eversince i got back to seremban. it is equal to the quality of your shit i am not lying. i cannot stand this. everyone is asleep and i am awake and still here, still writing. i am imagining how great it would be to go on a holiday with the right people instead of being this boring person in front of the pc everyday. but i dont have that. fuck.

1.13am. i cannot believe this. i have just witnessed one of the lame-est movies made in history, The Rocker. it is stupid, theyre jokes are lame and their faces are too and it pisses me off when they try so hard to make things funny when its not. and what worsens things is that Teddy Geiger is acting and he stinks at it. it depresses me to see his face there emotionless and gay; i am depressed.

1.35am. oh lord, i feel the bored-est i can be. i tried playing games but that didnt work since all i ever get is lagging and i keep dying and its like shit. and then i tried watching a movie, which turns out to be a huge ass mistake. and i tried chatting, but HOLY(*@^#!(*&@#*(&!@(#&! the only person im chatting with right now, has a trouble communicating because the god damn messages arent getting through. the connection sucks like a cave. and it makes me want to shit in my pants. fuck. i am getting out of this misery and i am going to cook myself some hotdogs and eat them and be useful.

"youll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you,"-simple plan,saveyou.

oh green,

2009-01-13T14:26:00.000+08:00

12.15am. i sit and i get bored of what i am doing. i am finally home. finally back to the place where i long to be. back to the place where i belong. i miss this place. everything feels the same here. it is the same. college feels different. different in a lot of ways. and i have officially left that place. for now that is. i sit and i stare at one corner of the room and i get up and i leave.

2.01am. i get back and i see messages from people. they are asleep. i watch Greys Anatomy with my sister. it is beautiful. it is sad. it is powerful. that episode captures my heart. i like it. i watch a movie called The Brave One the night before. it moves me. it captures me in. it touches me in everyway. it is sad in alot of ways and i like it. it makes you wonder how true these things are. these things that happen to people. at the end of the day, we are never the same person anymore. we are different, we are no longer the person who we thought we are. we are just like strangers all over again.

2.30am. i am glad that this semester ended fast. at least, for me. i walk out early after my final paper which was on thursday. it starts at 9am and i leave at 10am. i walk out with my head held high, this is finally over. i leave and i go around putrajaya with my friends. it is fun, has always been for me. i like how the world used to be green, and in some parts of cyberjaya, it is still green. it is beautiful. i like how peaceful it gets living there. it is brilliant. i want to lie down on its grass and look up to the sky on a cloudy windy evening and say i am grateful for this moment. i am grateful, my eyes they start to wonder around this beautiful green place with lakes that have lilies and more water plants, they are beautiful. i want to capture a picture of this moment and show this to you but i dont have it. it only stays in my head and i smile at the serenity of it. and i tell myself that i like it. i like it alot. thank you to my mates back in mmu, i finally breathe together with you. although we are all different in alot of ways. my love to all of you mainly qistina, fatin, ina, daniel, ziana, zared, yana, fatin, david, yy. <3

putrajaya.

david.

ziana, yana, myself.

4.06pm. i am finally posting up pictures during christmas. i love how we spend the whole day together. i love all the singing and carolling and laughing and eating games. personally, the amount of time spent together and the people who were there, are just perfect. acs lot : anna, xinyi, mandy, mei chern, ah fu, yee han, amelia, yi ru, charmaine, mui kim, vincent, tuckie, michael, avindran, sanjiven, jim, vewan, suren. <3

me, vincent, mandy, xinyi, meichern.

myself and anna.

us.

anna and myself.

xinyi, myself, anna, sanjiven.

myself and tuckie<3

5.31pm. im off to play dofus. oh yes, i have started all over again for a month. toodles.

FOR THE LOVE OF NATUREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

oh 2009,

2009-01-01T02:31:00.001+08:00

2.11am. i figured i should write something. its new year. i dont know. it still feels the same. its just another year. nothings new. so why is it a new one. everything stays the same. emotions, actions, our prayers. they are the same. we all hope for the better. still hoping. i dont know where that leads to now that new year has come. and it goes just as quick as it comes.

2.31am. i sit and i breathe this weird smell of whats left in my brothers room. i dont like it. but its there. i turn on the air conditioner and the smell goes away and i get cold. i off it and it comes back. all over again. i sit here and i watch him move about in circles and he moves around and falls back on his chair through his webcam. i see him talk and laugh and he tells me his drunk so i ignore him. but i sit and i watch. he gets up and he moves again and i lose him.

2.46am. i get more wishes. i read them and i wish them the same and i ignore it. its the same thing you say every frigging year. i think it should stop. it sounds stupid, those hopes and i dont really give a ducks ass. i go on about how idiotic it is in my head and i stop for a second. and i think. i chat with my friend and she tells me things i dont want to hear. she tells me about this person who likes slitting her hands and she is still there breathing as we talk. still doing the same thing she does. still breathing. i frown and i look at the screen and i feel that she doesnt deserve to live. i ignore it. i feel the need to say what needs to be appreciated.

3.12am. i am grateful for the people that i get to be with today and i am grateful that we have been given a chance to live and get to know each other eventhough its hard to understand why we are here today but everything we go through now and forever just makes us better and stronger people than what we are yesterday.

3.26am. i taste blood in my mouth. it dissolves with my saliva. i dont taste it anymore. i bite my lip too hard it severed. i drink water and i feel it flowing through my body. i feel like eating it drives me crazy i want to eat i should stop writing. i should stop. i stop now and i go to eat because my mind tells me to so i leave now. i leave. leave.

i miss so many people and i want them to be here with me i want to laugh with them but they are not here. have i found you, flightless bird?

oh bo,

2008-12-18T23:52:00.000+08:00

11.53pm. i sit quietly in my brothers room as i write this. i dont feel like writing but i guess i should. i guess. i dont know. i chat with zared, farah, david and lern sing. we have empty chats. i still dont know what to write about. dot. dot. dot.

12.10pm. i figured i should write something i like. so i like bo amir iqram. he sings like a sleepy man but the fact that he sounds good at doing that, i respect him. i like the way he sings.

www.myspace.com/boamiriqram

12.19pm. my head is blank. i cant find anything good to write. shits.

12.30pm. i look forward to annas christmas gathering. that should be exciting. mmu upsets me at times. especially the people there. i should sleep.

the people, they upset me. they upset me. upset me so much.

oh presentation,

2008-12-02T12:19:00.000+08:00

12.22pm. yesterday i was worried. the days before i was worried. this morning i was worried. that moment i was terrified. this instance i am calm. i feel myself leaving my worries. i am alright.

hours ago..

9.10am. we feel like dying. we all feel that way. i see my lecturers coming into the class. they sit still. we move around and looking and feel horrible about things. we look at each others work and we feel like dying, it is that bad. i write my name on the paper that was up on the door. i write my friends names up on the door. we take our bags and leave. i see Che Mat enter the class with a straight face, we panick. i sit on the floor outside the class. we wait.

moments later...

9.45am. i go in to present my work. Che Mat tells the student before me to quickly leave because he was disturbing my presentation. i look down with fear and place my papers. he looks and he offers me a help with the rest. i smile and look down. i am in fear. lecturers all around, staring down at my work and looking at me and looking down at the work and looking up again and stare. Che Mat says, "rajin dia ni, ni budak rajin buat keje ni,". i gasped. i smile, i look down. he says, "tapi analytical studies for shading ni tak berapa sgt, kena betul3 consentrate baru nampak lawa," i nod. he tells me i did alright for the rest except this one. i will do better. i promise you. i listen to him preach as he sits on the table. he tells me. tells me more. tells me again and again. i nod and i look down. im afraid. i try to look at his eyes as he speaks but i cant. i touch my papers and feeling unsettled. i nod again and again. i slowly raise my eyes and i see his eyes. he is honest when he talks. i appreciate that. i dont have the guts i fear you. but i like your honesty so i smile and gather my papers and i hear him say, "dia ni rajin tp drawings je tak brapa, colouring sume dah cantik," and i smille and tell them thank you and i leave the room with a huge smile in my heart.

and now..

12.44pm. i smile. as much as i feel disappointed that my analytical was not that good, i am happy. happy that he was not rude to me. happy that he was honest. happy that he would not mind to take the time to explain. happy that he preaches the way he always does. happy that i feel a little more appreciated than i always have. just a little happier than what i feel before. and someway somehow i know i deserve being appreciated at least a little for the worries and hardship and stress i feel doing it. i constantly put myself down and say theyre ugly because i know they could be better. i put myself down because i dont feel its pretty when people say they are. i dont feel it, i know. but i am appreciated for having the courage to spend almost everyday doing it. i like that, i smile at that thought though it worries me. i want to be more now.

i want to be that person that he expects all of us to be.

oh prawn,

2008-11-24T14:20:00.000+08:00

2.19pm. fuck. this room smells like shit. the toilet smells even shittier. i sniff my fingers and they smell like soap and its good. i look at the desk near the window and i see my dead prawn in a tupperware filled with water. its rotting and it smells like rotting shit. five prawns contaminated my whole room and the toilet. including a mixture of human faeces and urine. i throw the prawns in the sink and wash them with soap. the smell doesnt go away. it stays. it remains. fuck. i take four and i put them in a plastic bag and shove them in a paperback near the window. i place one almost orange-looking prawn in the tupperware and fill it with water. i take it back to my room and place it near the window where the sun shines inside. nothing does any good. the smell is there. it is still there. i stare and i look away.

2.34pm. i am hungry. my stomach making sounds. it discomforts me. i want to get something to eat. i have no appetite but im hungry all at the same time. i have diarrhoea earlier and it feels stupid. now im hungry and it still feels stupid.

3.27pm. i have food. im no more hungry. i curse the prawn as i look at it. curse all that is left of it. i try to relax. look out the window and see the wind blowing roughly at the trees. i like the motion of it. i listen to elisa's stranger. i fall into the rhythm of her song. i feel the way she feels in her song. i like it.

"stranger you look so different. some other thoughts fill up your mind. and you just made it happen. oh and now, i think of you though you dont know the reason but nevermind."-elisa,dancing.

i missed him.

oh fear,

2008-11-19T21:48:00.000+08:00

6.02pm. i worry. i look out the window and i see its still clear. i see people moving about. cars engines running. guards sitting still. and i want to stay still. just like her. i remove the cap of the aquarius bottle in front of me and i take a long gulp. im thirsty. im hungry. i place it back on the table. i chat with qistina. i tell her we are having dinner at 6.45pm. so we leave.

7.55pm. i go back to my room. its empty. im alone again. i go online. i chat with people. but it makes me sad. i ignore that feeling. i surf for things on google. nothing fancies me. im worried. i cant stop pacing. i cant stop moving. i am almost shaking. i freak out. my assignment is that bad. it is that bad. i am afraid. afraid of my assignment. you say shit about my feelings and i dont care. its mine and for me to feel and know. and i feel like shit. this feeling makes me feel at stake and i feel terrified. for my life and my future. my assignment, is that bad. i worry.

8.31pm. i am still here. still trying to stay still. still finding. still searching. i cant find it. i lose it. i dont know where it is. i worry. worry all over again. it never stops. i chat more. i talk more. but it slows down. i chat with sum. and he tells me things. and i tell him my things. and we both feel like shit. we are both exactly alike. exactly what we are. exactly who we are. exactly how it is. in the mean while, i ran through blogs. i see his blog. i see my face with his. i see the way he writes. i see he did just exactly of what i did. i highlight it. and i see it. and i smile to it.

10.08pm. here is where i am still. trying to stay still. trying to do just that. but my head doesnt do that. it does not register. my body neglects what i say. i get up and move around the room. i pace. over and over again i am pacing. i listen to songs. i dont sing a word. i just listen. and i still worry. i wipe my soar eyes. it tears when i do that but it does anyway. i wipe it away. i ignore it.

10.30pm. i look at the time. i realize i am still afraid. still scared of whats to come. still in fear.

10.59pm. im scared as hell. i cant figure myself out. i cant figure whats going on. i feel like dying.

i feel so dead inside. i feel the saddest i can ever be. its my future. i dont think you understand that. now get the hell away from me.

oh deepavali,

2008-11-13T16:21:00.000+08:00

here are pictures taken during deepavali. i been wanting to post them up. i wait and wait for them to get to me. i finally got them now. i love deepavali! i love avins house. i love the indian food. i love the people who attended. i love everything about it. we are all happy. we are all smiling.

she.

anna and me.

me and tuckie.

shaun and me.

me and yiru.

kam chen, mei chern, avin, xinyi, me.

sumendra, sanjiven, vewan, jim, me, anna, xinyi.

shaun, jim, vewan, jan hong, anna, me, avin.

the bunch of us.

I LOVE ACSSSSSS! <3

oh roasted chicken,

2008-11-11T12:36:00.000+08:00

11/11/2008.

12.10pm. i go inside my room. i see her things are not there. her things are gone. i dont know where they are. i look through the cabinet. i dont see anything. i still dont see them. i look at the bed above mine. its empty. my roomate is gone. she left. i am going to miss her. im already starting to. she has left. i miss her. im alone.

12/11/2008.

5.13pm. i chat with anna. i get pictures from her. i get pictures during deepavali. pictures i wanted for so long. pictures that make me happy. i like them. i look at them. i see how happy i am. i smile at it. i want that day all over again. i smile at us. we look so happy. we are that happy. i like it. i just like it alot. i am going to post them up later.

6.32pm. i chat again. i chat with qistina. she is coming over. she is coming and we will leave for dinner. i talk to her about today. she talks to me about her classes. i listen. i tell her stories. i tell her jokes. i laugh at them they sound bloody funny to me. i smile again and we eat roasted chicken. they taste like heaven. i like it.

8.13pm. im here. its cold. i am cold. i talk to my friends. i smile because they make me happy. but i stop smiling because i worry. i worry about alot. i worry about classes. i worry about people. i worry about tomorrow. i dont know what to do. i talk to david and he asks me if i am okay. i tell him im fine. i wonder if he is. but for a fact we know. we are all not fine.

9.24pm. i look out the window. i see lights in rooms. i see alot of them. i see figures walking. i know they are people. they are staying just the opposite of me. i see their figure. they are moving in their room. i see but i cant focus. i squint but i still cant see. i try to focus. but all i see is blur. i shut my eyes i look away. i look around me. it is clear. everything is clear. i am still alone. it is clear.

but for a fact we are all not fine. for a fact we are still not fine. for a fact we will never be fine. yesterday. today. tomorrow. or ever.

oh caveman,

2008-10-30T23:05:00.001+08:00

11.05pm. i cant stop looking at the mounting board on the floor just right beside me. theres a spider underneath it and i cant stop thinking. i am awake and i can see it moving out from under my bed. its sick. it makes me sick to my stomach. all i do now is stare. stare blindly at that bent board on the floor. and hoping for the spider to go away.

11.33pm. i talk to david and he tells me stories and i listen. i dont know if its the timing but its good that he talks. and i wonder. i hold my cellphone in my hand and i dont feel anything. i placed it back down on the table.

after midnight.

2.42am. i have a massive headache. i search for my pencil case. i dont see it. i need my panadol soluble. my head is breaking. where the fuck did i put it. i cant shut my eyes with my head like this. i stare at the board on the floor. still flat, i dont see any spider. i head to bed.

8.34am. i am awake. still awake. been awake. i cant sleep. my headache subsided. i read more of A Million Little Pieces. i feel hungry. i stare at the floor. i see the board has been moved to the side. i see the spider lie flat. its flat on my floor. i stare at it, flat. flat like a piece of white paper. its flat. its dead. i get disgusted by it. i leave it there. i dont touch it. i will never.

9.53am. i finish a chapter of the book. i still dont feel like sleeping. i cant sleep. infact, i feel hungry. i will cook myself some food. nobodys awake. this is horrible. why am i still awake. i feel horrible.

4.13pm. i am shock. and speechless. i found out my bestfriends brother just passed away. it kills her to find out. it kills everybody to hear her out. i feel terrified. and i worry. i hope she takes it well. i am here if she needs me. we surely will miss him down here, i pray he rests in peace.

10.59pm. i am awake for more than a day. and it sickens me. im tired. exhausted. i want to sleep. its halloween, i need to appreciate this day. there shall be tonnes of horror movies on tv. but i feel like a caveman now. but on the plus side, i get free pimples on my face and they fucking itch.

i should get off the fucking computer and pin my eyelids together with my skin. i feel horrible than i can ever be.

oh hours,

2008-10-21T04:46:00.000+08:00

its 4.53am now. i am blank. and i dont know what to write. i dont feel like sleeping. and i dont feel like doing this. my thoughts are empty. but i will write something. i must write something.

its 5.10am now. and i start writing. i have exams the last two weeks. they were ridiculous. they have always been. i didnt have my computer during that period. which was a miracle how i survived. i swear i slept more than half the total amount of hours in a day. and yet i couldnt really sleep even when my eyes are closed. i have been reading this storybook ever since. and i love the way he writes.

its 5.25am now. i dont like college. yes, whatever, leave me alone. i dont like the strange faces around me. and i certainly dont like the stares i get. i like being in my room all day night long so shut up and leave me alone. you dont say. the only thing i like is orientation and these few people that i can speak a normal conversation with. not very amusing, but whatever.

its 5.40am now. i just read two pages of a storybook, A Million Little Pieces and i like it. i go to the toilet and i take a piss.

its 6.03am now. i go through blogs. i see Sums blog. and i see my name on it. i see my picture with him. i stop. i dont blink. instead i smile at it. i sure fucking missed you too sum. i take a long stare at it and i hope your okay. coz if your not, i am here. i listen to Damien Rice, and i smile again.

its 6.21am now. i should go to bed. i feel like a caveman.

i live in a memory of my highschool that i cant leave behind.

oh 011008,

2008-10-05T20:19:00.000+08:00

i want to wish thankyou for those who wished me my birthday. it means alot to me that you remember. i had the most people wishing me this year so im going to list them out. whee! :D

1. Fatin.

2. Aisyah.

3. Farah.

4. Anonymous.

5. Vincent.

6. Hidayatul.

7. Yvonne.

8. Qistina.

9. Nurin.

10. Guy.

11. Many.

12. Xin Ni.

13. Ismail.

14. Shanaz.

15. Lern Sing.

16. Xin Yi.

17. Anna.

18. Daniel.

19. Jeremy.

20. Nicky.

21. Aijeen.

22. Ziana.

23. Jim.

24. Shaun.

25. Ah Fu.

26. Joyce.

27. Amy

28. Ellyz.

29. Harith.

30. Papa.

31. Mama.

32. Dharvind.

33. Avindran.

34. Hau.

35. Charmaine.

36. Xin Ying.

37. Zhi Pin.

38. Mahmood.

39. Fuad.

40. Amalina.

41. Yana.

42. Azan Addin.

43. Jin Zhen.

44. Andy.

45. Audrey.

46. Pravin.

47. Kirthi.

48. Ferooze.

49. Faliq.

50. Nuraida.

51. Stephanie.

52. Sumtuckie.

53. Yi Ru.

54. YY.

55. Wei Yew.

56. Syafika.

57. Raihan.

58. David.

sooooo much to love! :)

oh birthday, <3

2008-10-04T23:41:00.000+08:00

i am smiling when writing this. because if you were me now you would do the same. this was my one week holiday. and it was the happiest. and no, it was not because of raya. it was because of my birthday. and the time i spent back here in seremban. oh how i missed this place. and the people here. you make me smile. even just for awhile. it still made a difference. :)

i went to port dickson on tuesday. came back to seremban on thursday. that was my raya holiday. it was pretty by the beach. though i dont really like the sea. thalassophobia? cymophobia? not really that. just a slight uhh. what you call that....fear. my thoughts go running wild about whats inside the sea, so i freak. but it was nice to be at the beach. went out to the seafood restaurant a couple of times. love them!

lobster!

and there, was where i spent my birthday. yes, my birthday was on the same day as raya. its no big thing, it only makes everybody remember me more! :D and here everyone goes like "isnt your birthday on the same day as raya, you must be reeeeeeally happy,"....NOT. just any other day to me, yes you think im weird, you are too. but for me, that day was the best day of all the years i ever had my birthday. mainly because i had my friends who remember it and they were around this time. back in school, it was either we had exams or it was just another holiday on that particular date. another reason was that my friends celebrate it with me this time, which was soooooooooo sweet of them i love you! and another reason is that i had the most people wishing me this year than eveeeer! :D

so i was in PD. turns out before 12am before my birthday, sum, aijeen and xinyi came over to PD with a piece of oreo cheesecake to celebrate it with me. it made my heart drop to see you would travel to come for just that. yes i know, not that far but it still made a difference. its those little things that you do that makes me so happy to have you around. thankyou for having the time to come, i heart youuu always. :)

my cakes!

me and anna.

me, anna, vincent.

jim, me, anna, vincent.

avin, charmaine, mandy, me.

and when i came back to seremban, i thought i was going out plain with anna. turns out she made plans with my dearest classmates. ohhh how i love all of youu for that! :D so when i saw jim and avin, i figured you lot were on to something. so silly! but still loving all of you though :D and i had more pieces of cakes this time. thankyou sweethearts :)

OHH HOW I LOVE YOUUU ACS PEOPLEE!

:DDD

oh raya,

2008-09-26T23:37:00.000+08:00

hello crazy world of mine. im back for my raya holidays. my heart is so glad to be back home, its the greatest feeling. so here i am, smiling the widest i can. to be here again. do you have a single clue of how great this feeling is. so who am i to say this situation isnt great? i smiled.

i went out today with anna, i missed her. there was alot to talk about. never a dull moment. to have somebody you can talk just about everything to. thats how i feel when i talk to anna. actually, to just about everybody. you know who you are. those sweethearts from acs, i love you. oh acs, i went back to you again today. hang out in acs from 9.30am. and also in terminal 1. until 6.10pm. because im crazy just like the rest of us. tapau mcds for buka puasa. and went to kgv for their mooncake festival event. so that ended just before 11pm for me. couldnt stand keeping awake, i slept for 2/3hours the day before. sorry i left before it actually ended. i swear i wanted to hug each and everyone of you.

some of those that i saw today were : anna, mandy, xinyi, meichern, mankwan, grace, pei syen, jiayi, joyce, hau, muikim, charmaine, rasathi, amelia, yeehan. and sum(missed you the most), vincent, michael, guy, lee yan feng, wei yew, wai kien, jim, avin, shaun.

all i know now is that i had a great time. and i look forward to see everyones faces again before the holidays end.

tonight, i feel sad. i dont know if its just me or if it was you that made me this way. but i know that i feel out of place. i actually feel happy, i really am. just that a part of me still feels empty. i dont think it was you, it was all just me. but i dont know why now.

"its been a long time coming such a long, long time and i cant stop running, such a long long time. can you hear my heart beating? can you hear that sound?cause i cant help thinking and I wont stop now,"-coldplay,gravity.

oh seremban,

2008-09-17T01:16:00.000+08:00

hello again. its been awhile. i missed you. we finally meet once again. and my days are usually ordinary and typical. but whenever we meet, im the happiest i can be. i miss you seremban. i miss my school mates. i miss you so so much i dont know why. i have a million reasons to leave this place and go back to you but i cant. but when i do every weekend, my heart smiles. oh you.

i went to parkson last friday night for a small setians gathering. started at 8pm, ended at 12am. such a beautiful day that was for all of us, i miss you!

myself.

sanjiven, vincent, myself, xinyi, joyce, anna.

vincent and myself.

vincent, myself, sanjiven, avin.

sanjiven, vincent, avin, jim, myself, xinyi.

oh and that day has ended. but i remember it very well. because theres never a sad moment with you. and shall never be. and my days here will never be as happy as the ones i have there. because i left my heart back in seremban.

xoxos!

I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU ACS PEOPLE!

oh 080808,

2008-08-09T13:58:00.000+08:00

cant believe its over.

i have always wanted to write about us. i need to write about us. about how we are. about who we are. about you and I and the rest of us. about how we have been. but the only excuse i have is time. about having the least time to spend with you. about the time that i did not have for us. about the time that caused us to slightly distant apart. and how some things have seemed to change, but somewhere in my heart, i know. i know we are all still the same. we are still the people who we were yesterday. at least, i think. but i loved yesterday. as much as i love today. but i dont know about tomarrow.

audrey and anna

xinyi and mandy

oh how i missed you ACS lot. your lovable self. your happy faces. your giggly laughter. your wonderful warmth. that i just know youll forever be there for me. at least, i know now. how i feel about all of you, youll never know how much it touches my heart to be araund you. how safe i feel to know your always there for me, i love you.

anna, myself

myself, audrey

myself, xinyi

mandy, anna, myself, audrey

and somewhere along the way, i get to know more people from other places. but its never the same when compared to us. and as much as i try to get to know you, it seems that im slowly losing it. nothing works anymore. i know im slowly failing it. so i choose to leave it. how can you say so much but do so little of it? do you even care to look into my eyes and tell as much. have you ever thought about how i feel. your white lies, how i loathe everybit of everything you do is made out of lies. dont come to me saying you care when you dont because i dont want your shit. im trying to show something real, but your just a lie. every little thing i do, im accused. do you know how that makes me feel like?

"look at us, look around the world. because all you seem to find are unhappy boys, unhappy girls. and tell me is that what you want for you and me? dont you want to be happy?"-keri noble, look at me.

oh so long,

2008-08-02T02:25:00.000+08:00

i dont know wat to write anymore. i dont know. i stink at writing these days. even talking. ugh. i lost the track of time. so now im having my midterm break just for a week starting today. but it means alot to me. although i have shitloads of assignments to do. i just feel like sleeping for a day and never wake up. because im so tired of these things that i have to do. its so tiring. and exhausting. and annoying. and sickening. and every little ugly word there is. and well im sleepy now. and i missed seremban. my seremban people. how i missed each and everyone of you. its never the same without your happy faces. sometimes it feels like i am seperated from the world i was in before. and now i long to have it again.

anyways ill just post up a few fotos. im too lazy to talk about wat happen.

daniel, ina, myself.

qistina, daniel, ina.

ikin, myself.

hocus pocus, D:

2008-06-25T11:55:00.001+08:00

ok. i havent been updating anything ever since i started college. the fact is, i havent had the time to do this. so i shall write now. the first day i came to mmu was a complete blur. dont know how to register. dont know nobody. dont know admission building. dont know my hostel. dont know strangers. dont know directions. dont know a single thing. but it got better, a chinese girl sed hello to me. and apparently she thought i was indian. D: its no suprise really.

just another orientation day.

hocus pocus ! D:

first week started, orientation. 2pm on sunday and ended araund 10pm on thursday. all i can say is that orientation week was PASSION! i love every bit of it. every second, every hour, every day, every moment spent with the OCs(orientation committees, who are actually just typical seniors) love them, those happy faces. and as for me, i had a happy face when i see their faces. they made my days feel wonderful.

so we got on. and at one point all the muslims were gathered at the surau, where we were told to wear tudungs, go for prayers, go for rocalls. and i was the least fancied by that idea. and they sed the least we could do is wear tudung for a week. ok, w/e, i did that. through out the whole week that is. and as much as i hated having to do that, i love everything else. and as for us muslims, we had to get to the surau every morning by 5am and sleep by 2am everyday. so imagine that wetarded look on my face in that tudung every morning. geez. and the thing about OCs is that they dont give a rats ass when you tell them the reason why your a second late to their gatherings. theyll scream at your face and scare the fuck out of you. which is why id usually be up by 3.45am to shower and run to the surau. and run again to the gatherings. it was uber exhausting but in a way it was fun. we'd do cheers and singing and dances(which was wetarded but funny) and treasure hunts and performances by the OCs(which was really3 awesome imo)! :D~

and so i got to know several people. a few of my all time favourite OCs and qistina, ina, daniel, ikin and theres still more to love! bunch of sweethearts, (: so i have regular meet ups with them for lunch and dinner, although theyre from different courses. i seem to be closer to them than i am with my own oursemates but w/e i still love it.

ina and qistina.

daniel.

qistina, ina, myself.

izzaty, ikin, myself.

freshie party.

at the end of the day which was thursday, it was sad. they had a final gathering which was the closing ceremony of the orientation week. and at that point of time, everybody cried(i know its absurd and ghey but you wouldnt know how it feels like to be spending almost 24hours a day with them and suddenly being taken away that fast). and the fact that some seniors were about to graduate. its sad to see how fast things ended for them, ):

and as for me, its a new beginning.

another history in the making.

another memory.

PASSION !

tribute to the OCs!
best orientation ever made!
video below : dance by OCs (Adha and Fuad)
imitation of BritainGotTalent mj&punjab!
<333

toodles all,
XOXOs!

oh leave,

2008-06-07T02:03:00.000+08:00

i am leaving. leaving again. leaving free to the world of strangers. all over again. cant believe its happening. cant believe its finally here. still feeling trapped in a past i cant forget. cant forget about all of us. about what we had. about the times we spent. about the times we fought hard. about the times we laugh so hard. about the times we cried. i found my place in the world but im losing it. maybe its just me. my minds messed up and my heart aching. so much that the sky never shines the way it often does anymore. every little thing i feel is gloomy. and now i have to leave. to a place where i dont belong. where there is no you and me. only myself, indifferent honest. i suddenly feel bitter. im right here. your not there, i couldnt see you. loneliness surrounds me with millions of stares from strangers. i struggle to tell wat was happening. it made things worse for me. all i did was kept quiet. like you wouldve understood why. like you even care. and i walk with my head up high but my eyes wander araund for a wall to stare at. i loathe that. just that empty feeling. that isnt there at all. but you know its there. you could feel it. all the time. sometimes.

"nothing unusual, nothings changed. just a little older thats all. you know when youve found it, theres something ive learned, cause you feel it when they take it away,"-damien rice, amie.

oh setians,

2008-06-02T00:40:00.000+08:00

i had a wonderful day last night. and the night before. went out with charmaine, mandy and xinyi on friday. it was a short night out because they had to come and fetch me from my house but turns out they got lost in jelebu. funny because i drew a map for them but it didnt help. so they had alot of trouble coming to get me along the way. sorry for that messed up(not really haha) map. after they finally got to my house, headed to anw for a drink and a burger. it was nice in a way it is. once we were done, headed back to my place. sat at my porch for abit. and sorry if my house is boring. i know it is. and they left after abit because it was getting late.

mandy & cj

xinyi & myself

sakais.

cj, mandy, xinyi.

BUT yesterday, saturday, may the 31st. was the highlight of my week. was the biggest and most successful reunion of the glorious setians. they decided to have a gathering at "rest 1" at 9pm. but apparently me, anna, joyce, xinyi and mandy got there earlier than expected. it was araund 7plus pm. we went to a mamak araund the corner of rest 1 to have a quick dinner while waiting for the 9pm yamcha. had ice cream goreng and i liked everybit of it. we were all laughing and giggling and making tonnes of noise. but it was typical of us. and i had to go to the bathroom everynow and then and mandy decides to get a birthday cake for jims birthday(this coming monday). so all of us headed to kings and got him one. bumped into syafika along the way. i missed her face, its been so long.

myself & joyce.

xinyi, mandy, myself.

mandy, myself, anna, xinyi, hau.

by the time we got to rest 1, everybody was there. i felt nervous but happy to see their faces and to hear their voices screaming out loud saying all sorts of things. it was the same old scenario again. how it has always been. there was 22 of us who showed up for that gathering that made me smile so much. there was : myself, anna, xinyi, mandy, mei chern, man kwan, hau, joyce, ahni, ahying, ahfu, zhipin, amelia, yeehan, vivienne, vincent, sumtuckie, poow hui, wei yew, avin, jim, sanjiven. not sure if i left out anybody, sorry if i did :/ but it felt so much like we were in a class again. except everybody looked different this time. but somehow, it felt the same. and it still made me smile up to my cheeks. i love all of yous truckloads. and i hope you know that.

setians(more to love!)

anna & myself.

myself & vincent.

sumtuckie, anna, meichern, ahying, vivienne.

ahying, ahfu, amelia, vivienne, yeehan, ahying, hau, joyce.

after 11pm, alot were starting to leave. but myself, vincent, sumtuckie, wei yew and jim stick araund for abit while waiting for sanjiven to show up. and he did. it was a quick one because it was almost 1am then. so all of us left. sum sent me back and it was 1plus am when i got home. missing you sum. and all together, the night was lovely. for all of us it was.

sumtuckie & sanjiven.

cheers to all setians!

toodles,

xoxos!

oh friends,

2008-05-26T23:26:00.000+08:00

i have too much going on in my head lately. and apparently my face has gone pimply wrong. and i hate that. but w/e now that college is about to start in two weeks. and i feel somewat sad. but its time to get on with everything. :3

and i just feel the only thing that keeps me sane right now are my friends. to you who is reading this. you know you mean the universe to me. and i hear all of you say about how great your new friends are in college. about how different they are from your highschool friends. clearly they are. and clearly they will never be the same. and this is why i feel ppl should cherish highschool friends. because theyre the ones youve been with for so long. and i just dont feel like youll ever find another person who is merely close to any of them. but that doesnt mean college friends suck. who am i to say that.

i love my highschool friends, they rock my world. and i wouldnt be the person i am today if you hadnt said hello in school. so i love you, (:

next, i get paranoid. i couldnt tell, if anyone here was feeling the way i do.

but lately ive been noticing soo many changes in them. maybe its a good change and maybe theyre bad ones too. i really cant say which one. but if its a good one why do i feel upset about it. why has our worlds change so fast like we havent had the time to understand why. i dont know maybe its just me that has changed. or maybe it is you. how can you tell? its easy to let yourself ignore things but i dont find leaving things hanging like this as an answer to why we havent been able to talk like we did before. i know i prolly am over reacting but i have a thing for friends. they make my world seem alot easier to handle when you just dont have anybody else to tell your sadness/happiness to. because you have no idea wat its like to be me. so why the sudden change in you and me. you knew better about how you felt. i tried to be there for you when you were down but obviously that didnt help. you chose to ignore that and ignore yourself and ignore me. there hasnt been a day right now that i feel your the same person anymore. so why the silence. wat was wrong with you. wat has gone wrong with your life. maybe nothings changed or maybe you just have issues you dont tell. either way its hard to tell wats changed or who has. how can i tell. im not you. and i respect you if you dont feel like telling. but it makes me sad to know your not able to talk like you did before. its sad for me because i miss the old you. but if your absolutely fine with the way you are now, i will smile for you. even if you dont tell, i know. and i know the times are hard for you right now but you need to keep on moving on. even if you fall again dont let go. because if you believe in your love and your dreams you just got to keep on moving on, (:

even then, no matter how much everybody has changed including myself. i am still here and forever will be. and im in here to say thank you to all my friends. for being you and that wonderful person you are to me. so keep smiling the way you do darlings, (;

"everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking about somebody else. and its best if we all keep this under our heads. i couldnt tell, if anyone here was feeling the way i do. but its over now, and i dont know how. theres no getting back to good."-Matchbox20, back to good.

toodles,
xoxos!

oh dofus,

2008-05-19T23:08:00.000+08:00

honestly, im just really really bored. and i dont have anything else to do. which is why im here to blog about Dofus. i know your prolly clueless about wat Dofus is. so im going to explain. well its an online game. which i find to be very interesting. so your basically connected to everybody from every part of the world. so ive met awesome people there and got to know many. the thing about this game is that there are parts of the map where non-subscribers cant play. and well, i have subscribed for the past 3 months that costed me 70rm for the subscription and 70rm for the postLaju. and its been an awesome time.

anyways, i got to know ace addin indirectly from dofus. and hes one of the members from ruffedge. so its pretty awesome to know him in my opinion. and we've been in contact since. this is him(in pink).

besides knowing him. im in this guild in dofus. its called The Templars. a guild is something like this group of people who will help you with leveling and fighting and running dungeons and a whole lot of stuff. and theres tonnes of guilds. but i got into this one. and the people in it are wicked nice. theres 36 of us but the ones who have their pictures are less than 5. the ones i basically talk to are Zaiken, Pherozen, Uzuen, Montana, Panda, Guardian-Eagle, Nate, Zara, Jupine and theres more to love! so ill just post those pictures that i have.

this is my leader, Zaiken. hes actually from the Phillipines but currently staying in the US.

this is James. also known as Pherozen. hes from Tennessee.

and this is Caner(in white), known as Turquoise-panda. shes from Turkey.

lastly, this is William(kwest). known as Montana-hardcore. hes from California. funny guy i have long known him before i was even a subscriber, that we had to find people to help us with Skeleton dungeon. fun fun fun times, (: and now that my subscription has ended, kwest is willing to pay for me so i love him for that(haha).

and the thing about dofus now is that everybodys cutting down on it. prolly because theyre busy with stuff. and my leader(Zaiken) actually decided to quit the game and i felt super sad about him leaving because he was the reason my character got till this far. especially when we did Reset Dungeon :/ and Uzuen has been busy with his sessions with Nip and Tuck the series. but the guilds been pretty slow and im slow and so is everybody else.

i love DOFUS!

feel free to join : http://www.dofus.com/

theres more to love!

toodles,

xoxos!

oh tagging again,

2008-05-19T12:32:00.000+08:00

The rules are:
1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves
3. At the end of the post the player than tags 5 people and posts their names, than goes to their blogs and leaves a comment, letting them know they done got tagged and to ask them to play and read your blog.

What was I doing 10 years ago (1998)?
1. was still in primary school.
2. was a lazy prefect.
3. was hating school.
4. was crazy over kru.
5. was making my school prould(haha).

5 things on my to-do list today.
1. help my mum bake a cake.
2. make myself useful.
3. online and chat.
4. prolly drop by dofus.
5. sho people some lovee, haha.

5 Snacks I enjoy
1. tomato junkfood.
2. chocolate chunky.
3. oreos.
4. famous amos.
5. donuts.

5 Things I would do if I were a billionaire
1. buy a super kool apartment.
2. buy tonnes of food.
3. donate, donate, donate!
4. travel araund the world with my friends and family.
5. quit studying/my job. since now that im super rich, hahaha.

5 of my bad habits
1. bite my nails.
2. do alot of clutter.
3. too lazy to study.
4. too lazy to clean anything at all.
5. being too quiet.

5 places I have lived
1. london.
2. sarawak.
3. terengganu.
4. kelantan.
5. melaka.

5 people I tag :
1. ah ni<3
2. anna<3
3. xinyi<3
4. jessica<3
5. ah ying<3

oh mother, <3

2008-05-13T01:15:00.000+08:00

mothers day was on the 11th, but apparently i thought it was on the 9th(haha prolly because the radio mentioned it was on the 9th). so i happily wished my mum happy mothers day. and i treated her a dinner at seafood seaview. which the food turn out to be awful. and i paid like rm70+ for it. as far as im concerned, the cook was different so the meals tasted sort of weird but w/e. and my sister and i made a home-made card for my mum. she made one and i made another. my sister told my brother to get her some roses but he was not sober at the time being that he totally forgot about it. so since i hardly go out these days i just gave her a treat and a card. and apparently she cried when she read my card. i dont know why but she liked it it seemed. and she laughed at my sisters card because she had a gorilla picture with its child in it. but w/e.

so, i love you mum. always and forever.

toodles, (:

xoxo's!

oh tagging, :3

2008-05-12T22:15:00.000+08:00

first of all, i have no clue wat this tagging thing is all about and frankly speaking, i think its just like any other surveys. dont seem to bother me, so here goes, (:

Instructions:

Remove ONE question from below, and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions,then tag 8 people in your list,list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged. Whoever does the tag will have blessings from all.

1. Who is your all-time inspiration?
ace addin.

2. Which do you prefer? school or college?
i havent been into college yet, so i take its school.

3.Do you think youll still be alive in 10years time?
maybe.

4. Where is the place that you want to go to the most?
idk.

5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
that i could go back in time when i was in form3, fond memories.

6. What is the first thing you do in the morning, after you've woke up from sleep?
to the toilet! >:P

7. If you win 1 million, what would you do?
get and apartment with tonnes of awesome decorations and and and maybe go on a vacation(not really).

8. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
idk i would if he does.

9. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
theyre all lovely,pretty and smart. xP

10. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
i want him to be true to me, and honest in everything and be as simple as he can be. and hes got to have a sense of humour. coz if he doesnt, then your boring! >:P

11. What do you hate the most?
i hate stereotypes of the lousiest degree.

12. What is your ambition?
to be a richly awesome designer(haha w/e).

13. If you have faults, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
please tell me. coz if you dont, your stupid and idc.

14. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
people.

15. Describe yourself. 3 pros and 3 cons.
pros : i know how to appreciate things. i can hear you out if your down. ill help people when theyre in need.
cons : i can be selfish. i hate my pimples(haha). i tend to be unhappy at times with things.

16. Favourite quote?
"if it doesnt kill you, itll only make you stronger".

17. What will you be doing once you connected to the net?
check myspace. check blogs. open winamp. on my msn. log into dofus for abit.

18. Will you still keep in touch with long distance-friends after years?
absolutely.

19. What makes you different?
im not like the other people you talked to once you know me.

20. What would be found in YOUR refrigerator?
tonnes of unwanted food.

8 people that I tag :

1. ahni<3
2. xinyi<3
3.jessica<3
4.anna<3
5.sum<3
6.aijeen<3
7.ahying<3
8.lernsing<3

darlings, (:

2008-05-03T22:41:00.000+08:00

today was fun. i like today. i like it alot. i dont know why but i just do. alot. too much. its been too long since i went out after anna left for college. maybe its just me, i dont know. but i missed highschool like truckloads. its just never the same without it. and to see some of my mates again, it makes me smile even if im not. i couldnt tell, if anyone there was feeling the way i do. but i missed all of them. and i hope they know that. and truly love all of them that much.

myself & anna<3

myself & sumtuckie<3myself, anna, xinyi. <3avindran, anna, tuckie, xinyi. <3myself, anna, tuckie, xinyi. <3tuckie, myself, avindran, anna, meichern. <3meichern, audrey, myself, anna. <3

also, its sad knowing not everybody was there. but i hope in time will have another gathering for all of us to be together. we were once a big family in 5setia and forever will be. and i hope it stays that way as we grow older. and i hope everybody stays the way they are. and only change for the better. and i love every one of you to bits!

toodles for today everybody. (:

xoxo's

MMU's.

2008-05-03T00:03:00.000+08:00

i woke up at 8am today. to realize i got an sms from my sister. which was in the next room, saying she does not want to follow me to MMU today because she wanted to sleep. i shut my phone and got ready to leave for MMU. just to submit my application forms and my registration fees, it was nothing really. mum drove all the way there. we had gotten through the main entrance but we had no idea which building to go to. so mum spoke to a bunch of strangers, asking where was that ridiculous place. the weather was stupidly hot and we had to walk up so many hills i got pissed after abit. and after more conversations with strangers we finally got to the admission building which was at the far end of the college.

after settling my applications, we went to alamanda. and got lost araund putrajaya. but farah helped with the directions so we finally got there. had lunch and met up with farah for abit. she cracks me up. but she left with her classmates so it was just us. walked araund and bought some things i needed. mum bought calvin kleins perfume. it was bloody expensive but i like the salesboy but w/e. i bought some dunkin donuts and famous amos. and walked araund a couple of more times. and sat at the park nearby. and head back home araund 6pm.

thats about it. im about to head of to bed now, toodles everybody. (:

xoxo's!

this but that.

2008-04-25T14:00:00.000+08:00

some things in life just fade away with time. like you and me. so let me tell you how it feels.

i care but im restless.
im hopeful but im weak.
im strong but im dying.
im happy but im broken.
i try but i lose it.
im over but i miss it.
i love but im crying.
i grin but im sick.
i found but i left it.
im here but im really gone.
i fight but im fearful.
i follow but im wrong.
i win but im misled.
i live but im cursed.
i dream but im scared.
i want but i failed.
i see but im blind.
i breathe but i stop.
im healthy but im thorned.
im flying but im stoned.
i speak but i regret.
i swear but i lied.
im easy but im twisted.
im blessed but im empty.
i laugh but im really dead inside.